Ode to the Moon

Ode to the Moon

The power to rule the tides
Pulling at the waters
The ebb and flow of emotions
Mystery of the dark night
Moonlight glows
Full night knows
The world of howling
 

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Stories of werewolves rule the night under silver glow of the full moon. The mild-mannered becomes the monstrous beast. The moon has the power to move the tides and create the waves in the ocean. Some say we are 60 to 70% water, and the moon rules the tides of our emotions as well. The statistics tell us that emergency room visits rise during the full moon. If not outer transformations, there are plenty of inner transformations as emotions are pulled in one direction or another. The subtleties of our emotional life and our inner state of being are sometimes a mystery, beyond our control, as the cycles of the moon. If not the moon, then people, places, or even things trigger us and transform us into monsters unrecognizable by the light of the day, the light of sanity and clear thought. The darkness holds many mysteries, but the darkness is as much a reality as the light. Exploration of our internal states and inner emotional life begins with the step of awareness; we cannot tame the werewolves if we do not know that they are there. Perhaps a werewolf, under the light of the sun, under the light of clear thought, is simply the mild-mannered creature that we call human.

“Always Do Your Best”

After finishing my eight hour shift four hours ago, I walked out of the hospital. You work until the work is done. You don’t leave work for the next shift.… Besides by the time I explain it to the next shift, I could have done it myself. I just needed to check a few more things before I leave. Then, I just have to finish some paperwork. I know these patients; I will just finish that progress note. It will be faster if I just do it. I should just check on those few pending test results before I go home….

Time has a way of disappearing. I lost weight that I didn’t have. I began to feel my energy levels deplete. I poured myself harder into my work. I just have to get through this week… and then the next week. The only reward was that I was slowly disappearing. I began to feel thinner, as if there was space between all my cells and space between my thoughts. I began to feel empty – burned out. Caring became more difficult. I just had to get home, get through the week, recover over the weekend. The triad of burn-out defined by Maslach had slowly crept up on me: exhaustion, cynicism, and inefficacy.

“Always do your best.”

“What if your best is not good enough?”

“What if I just can’t do it anymore?”

Don Miguel Ruiz’s Fourth Agreement had consumed my life:
Always do your best.

What I failed to understand was that my best changes from moment to moment. I was judging myself with the harsh standards of perfection. I was judging myself by the expectations set by others and by the expectations set by the past without regard for the present moment. I was judge, jury, and soon to be my own executioner if I continued on the road of depletion.

Energy flows through the body like a bucket. Chinese medicine describes the energy that we are born with as Essential Energy. It cannot be replaced. We pour in new Acquired Energy from all our resources (food, air, rest, emotional support, etc.). When the bucket is full, it overflows as we pour the overflow into our projects like work, school, and relationships. When we do not fill our buckets, we dip into the Essential Energy, and the bucket slowly empties. An empty bucket does not have the energy to heal from simple stresses, gets sick, and eventually dies.

To live this Agreement, I needed to have self-compassion, self-forgiveness, and persistence. This agreement requires the practice of the other agreements to keep emotional stresses from draining the bucket. For this agreement to work, I needed to plug myself into the resources that nourish me and fill my bucket. If I have done my best in the moment, my inner judge should rest quiet… there is nothing more that I could have done. Instead of focusing on what was not done, I focus on the fact that I did my best with what I had in the moment.

Over a few years, I transitioned out of hospital work into an office-based practice that was more rewarding for me (emotionally nourishing). I scheduled time to rest and relax (physically nourishing). I created healthy boundaries and sought out healthy connections. “No, I cannot do that. My shift is over.” I learned to accurately assess my energy level. “I have 3 hours more of work in the next hour, can you help me?” I learned to more accurately assess how much work I have left to do in a day, and more importantly, I learned to ask for help. I began to let go of the idea that only I could do things right. I am not that important that the world at work falls apart without me. Slowly, I began to feel better, more centered, more solid … more energetic, more compassionate, more effective. Burnout was burning out. My best began to improve.

My Life Is An Open Facebook

“My life is an open book” needs updating for this electronic age. It used to mean that I have nothing to hide; what you see is what you get. Today, my life is an open Facebook — self-published, autobiographical content ready for the world to see.

We didn’t even know each other well in school. Why do you think he wants to be my friend? I thought to myself before I realized that a Facebook “friendship” has redefined what it means to be a friend. I used to think that a friend was someone I enjoy spending time with, someone I invite into my life. Social media seems to have taken some meaning from the word. The electronic age strikes again!

I have always been a private person. I would rather not put myself out there in a crowd. My fear has made entering the electronic age a scary prospect. I grew up in a place where personal and private really meant PERSONAL and PRIVATE. Now, knowledge is power. Hackers drop into accounts; thieves steal identities; pfishers steal personal information and credit. Now, the world is a scary place before I step outside my door. Perhaps “personal and private” have new definitions in the age of the Internet.

I generally use Facebook as an announcement page to post things interesting and inspiring — things worthy of publishing. I avoid sharing the hum-drum, mundane parts of my life (Wow! I have just finished grocery shopping.) I enjoy sharing travels and pictures that are inspiring. It has transformed my travels into something even more lovely by giving me the opportunity to look for something beautiful to share every day.

I am still getting used to the new Facebook age where everyone has their own forum, their own access to self-publish their life to the world. I notice that my “friends” expect me to know all about their lives. They are comfortable sharing personal information with the world: “Oh, I thought everyone knew. I posted that on Facebook yesterday.” Perhaps, I should review Facebook before I spend time with friends to avoid the new social faux pas. I have had acquaintances assume that I know of their marriages or other big life changes, even though I had not seen them in several years. Pictures and pages of new children are popping up among my family, friends, and Facebook friends. Perhaps you should collect friends for your child right away, start early. Your life is complete when you max out on Facebook friends. Reserve an account for your child today!

I try to read my Facebook feed once every week, but have yet to figure out how to read posts from the real folk in my life. Still, I enjoy reading of the “celebrities” in my life as though I am reading People Magazine in the grocery store check-out line. Without leaving my home, I can live vicariously through all of the cool stuff that my internet buddies document so well. Sometimes, I even find inspiration to live my life in a new way, travel to new places, make new connections. Yes, Facebook does have some good: I keep in touch with friends and family, share pictures and stories, and connect to community.

And so, my life is an open Facebook!

This is a world of interconnection and information. It started with a social security number. Then, an address. You had to mail me letters. A phone number meant you could call me. The answering machine let you leave a message (I’ll get back to you when I can). With my driver’s license I can visit you. Mobile phone, email, websites, instant messages, text messages, Facebook, Linked-In, Instagram, Twitter, smart phones, Myspace, blogs, — What is Tumblr? — YouTube, webinars and phone conferences, Skype, FaceTime, online classes…

With so many ways to connect and be connected, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. And so I take a break. I call up and invite a friend over, turn off all the electronics, disconnect myself from the network, sit down for a meal, and enjoy company, face-to-face. We are sharing space and time, conversation and tangible connection — love, laughter, and real friendship.

Check me out at www.facebook.com/joel.ying1